i am such a fuck up sometimes.  an incredible guy gives every indication that he's into me & i'm gonna screw it up by freaking out.  i don't freak out often but when i do, i do it well... and this guy is lucky enough to witness it.  sometimes i wish i could supress my emotions, not feel & think so much, not say what i'm feeling ALL the time.  but, no, i worry like it's my job over things i REALLY don't need to worry about. 

bo has to work saturday 3rd shift so we can't meet up for our weekend.  he told me last night that he might have to & he was pissed off about it.  so, now that he knows for sure that he has to work, he's probably not happy so what do i do?  make his day worse by being stupid.  great job, candy.  i'm feeling insecure for whatever reason (let's not try to figure THAT out again) and i tell him.  but i tell him a couple times & probably sound like a little high school girl whiner.  his work is important to him & i know & understand this.  i think it's awesome that he wants to get somewhere with the company & has a plan.  i'd NEVER want to interfere with that.  i just feel retarded for making a big deal out of my own uncertainties & defects.  i'm 32 fucking years old... i gotta get over this shit.

i was given a reality check by a good friend of mine.  she said i "fall too hard & too fast".  it's true but i can't help it.  i don't want to be the type of person who always looks for the bad & expects bad things to happen.  i TRY not to be pessimistic (although it's happening right now).  i don't want to be bitter or cynical.  so, i guess it's my own fault when i put my heart on the line & then get scared.  i guess this is just all part of who i am.  it sucks sometimes but i don't want to change.  it would be nice if i didn't worry so much.  it would be great if my emotions didn't overwhelm me on occasion.  but these things happen. 

so, the phrase of today is "chill the fuck out, candy".  man, i need a smoke.