i finally got around to starting a new blog. come visit my new home & let me know what you think: karmalicious
so it's been over 2 months since i've written anything. "i haven't been keeping up with my journal" doesn't really cut it, does it? well... i'm thinking of chucking this one & starting a new blog. we'll see. i don't know yet.
for anyone who's wondering, everything's fine. no tragedies & i'm still alive. more later... or maybe not. if i do start a new blog, i'll post it here.
skin too thin for a lot of things
you didn’t know
how vulnerable I could be.
defenses others build up
I never acquired.
Not cynical, not bitter
But unshielded as well.
i listened to every word you said
and took it all to heart.
Songs I’d never heard before
you had me believing
that every word was true.
why am i always
the one who gets hurt?
you are everything
i thought i was looking for.
the perfect one,
it seemed, just for me.
the right things in common,
just enough differences
for things to be interesting.
why did you have to be
you burst into my life with
filled with hope and affection.
but now our future
may or may not be.
don't go away.
don't give up on me.
don't stop what we've started.
it hasn't been long for us,
we could be amazing.
i'm just not ready
to give you up.
i don't necessarily WANT to be an XJ but the description is pretty accurate.
ok, hold on… what am i doing? this is ridiculous. so, i freaked out. so, i got a little scared & worried & let my emotions get away from me. i am and always have been a sensitive person. i’ve always been a bit of a worrier. i occasionally say what i’m feeling without thinking about the consequences & feel silly about it later. this is all part of who i am. i really shouldn’t apologize for liking this guy a LOT and getting a little unnerved by it. it’s an odd situation… a guy from michigan seems to really like me when we’ve been talking online & he drives all the way down to see me on a whim. that’s not exactly your average “dating” situation. this is going to take some getting used to… i have not experienced anything like this before. it would make me feel better to know what he thinks about it but i don’t have that information yet so… still a bit worried. he doesn’t like “drama” and i created drama (which is odd because i usually steer VERY clear of drama). he says i shouldn’t care what he thinks but, right now, that IS what i care about. i don’t want to have screwed things up but if i did, i did… nothing i can do about it now.so i’ve calmed down, started feeling silly & thought maybe i shouldn’t have said anything to bo at all… but then i was talking to a friend and he said “you’re a loving woman, you can’t play hard to get”. and this is true. i said “why did i tell [bo] all that?” and he said “because you were feeling it”. my friends know that i don’t hold my emotions inside and they accept it. that’s candy. hopefully bo can accept it too.
i am such a fuck up sometimes. an incredible guy gives every indication that he's into me & i'm gonna screw it up by freaking out. i don't freak out often but when i do, i do it well... and this guy is lucky enough to witness it. sometimes i wish i could supress my emotions, not feel & think so much, not say what i'm feeling ALL the time. but, no, i worry like it's my job over things i REALLY don't need to worry about.
bo has to work saturday 3rd shift so we can't meet up for our weekend. he told me last night that he might have to & he was pissed off about it. so, now that he knows for sure that he has to work, he's probably not happy so what do i do? make his day worse by being stupid. great job, candy. i'm feeling insecure for whatever reason (let's not try to figure THAT out again) and i tell him. but i tell him a couple times & probably sound like a little high school girl whiner. his work is important to him & i know & understand this. i think it's awesome that he wants to get somewhere with the company & has a plan. i'd NEVER want to interfere with that. i just feel retarded for making a big deal out of my own uncertainties & defects. i'm 32 fucking years old... i gotta get over this shit.
i was given a reality check by a good friend of mine. she said i "fall too hard & too fast". it's true but i can't help it. i don't want to be the type of person who always looks for the bad & expects bad things to happen. i TRY not to be pessimistic (although it's happening right now). i don't want to be bitter or cynical. so, i guess it's my own fault when i put my heart on the line & then get scared. i guess this is just all part of who i am. it sucks sometimes but i don't want to change. it would be nice if i didn't worry so much. it would be great if my emotions didn't overwhelm me on occasion. but these things happen.
so, the phrase of today is "chill the fuck out, candy". man, i need a smoke.
incredible. that’s all i’ve got to say. this guy i’ve been talking to, who i code named “bo” , is absolutely incredible. saturday night, i was sitting home downloading music (was going to go to a bonfire but it was midnight before i realized it so i said never mind). bo had gone out to the bar & got back online around 2, i think. so, he’s all pissed off cuz some guy at the bar decided he needed bo’s fist in his face. he gets online & after just a few second, asks if he can call me. now, i thought that was pretty great. he’s upset & he wants to talk to ME. awesome, right?
somehow, in the course of our conversation on the phone, bo decides that, since he’s off work today (monday) he should just hop in the car & drive down to see me. of course, i think he’s full of shit & just saying it cuz he’s got a few drinks in him. he’ll fall asleep & forget all about it, right? wrong. he gets in the new monte (kick ass automobile, by the way) and heads down the hiway. now, i think it’s exceptionally flattering that he just had the DESIRE to drive all that way just to see me… but he actually did it! like i said, he’s incredible.
so, when he gets close, he calls & i tell him a place to meet that’s easy to find & i can just lead him to my house. i was nervous as hell. i mean, i’ve had some great, long, personal, fun conversations with him & we’ve talked pretty much every day since he first contacted me but i was still nervous about meeting him face to face. but, within about 30 seconds of seeing each other, after a very nice long hug, we were kissing. so the nervousness was basically gone after that. plus, he just happens to be an amazing kisser. bonus.
and he has beautiful greenish brown eyes. i couldn’t stop looking at him and/or touching him. and his smile, as cheesy as it sounds, makes me melt. his smile makes me smile… and i just wanted to keep him smiling. i have a “thing” for the arm, shoulder, back, neck area… and good lord! It was like he was built just for me… VERY sexy body. when we talked on the phone saturday night, he went into this big discussion about how i can have “anybody i want” and why do i want to meet a guy from michigan when i could have someone near me. he wanted to know what makes him so special or different from guys here. i’m thinking i should be asking him that! what makes me so special that he’d hop in the car & drive 8 hours thru the night just to spend a day with me? this guy is amazing, and i think he could have any girl he wants so why doesn’t he have a girl in michigan? i mean, i feel so so SO lucky that he’s chosen to meet me & apparently wants to see more of me but why am i so fortunate?
so, unfortunately, this thinking leads me to insecurity. we had an outstanding day together. i loved every second of it & didn’t want him to leave. so why do thoughts float thru my mind about him not having a good time or getting a roll in the hay so now he’s done with me? from what i’ve seen, he isn’t the type of guy who’d even do that (get some & then go away). then i start thinking that i wasn’t “good enough”. when it comes to things of a physical nature, i already don’t feel totally confident for some reason… so then i wonder if he was really “satisfied”. why do these thoughts go thru my mind? i mean, he drove a long way, was all over me fairly quickly, slept with his arms around me all night, told me it was well worth the drive, mentioned meeting next weekend again (which is what we’d planned already). why can’t i just be like “hell yeah, he likes me! i’m awesome, so why wouldn’t he?”. why do i need reassurance? i guess a little bit of it is that i’m just scared. scared of getting played, getting hurt… but, we all know that if you don’t take the risk, you’ll never have the reward. i think i can blame at least a little of it on the dude i dated off-and-on for very nearly the past year. i didn’t know from one day to the next if he was going to be into me or not. it sucks that i let that get to me but i guess i did. and i guess i’m probably still a little hurt from getting blown off by him too. that wasn’t fun. but, i can’t blame it all on him. i don’t want to be all girlie & need constant reassurance! how annoying is that? well… i’m NOT like that so i’ll just have to cease and desist with that nonsense right now. i'll just chalk it up to new relationship jitters and let it go.
alrighty, i really don’t think i want to get into a psychological analysis of myself right now. i should just go with the blissful feeling i’ve had since i first saw bo yesterday. I’ll just have to trust in the fact that he’ll be honest with me and tell me if anything wasn’t or isn’t cool. and for now, trust in the fact that he likes me as much as i like him.
ooh boy… i could fall in love with this guy.
trying not to get TOO excited about this new guy but, gosh darnit if he doesn't seem just perfect for me. the more i talk to him, the more i like him. it's just too cool. we're gonna meet up next weekend in indiana and i can't freakin' wait! every conversation we have is just amazing. i know it's cheesy but i feel like i've known him forever & it's only been a few weeks. ok, enough talk about that... there will be NO jinxing of this. it's too good right now.
so, what else do i want to talk about? NOTHING! i'm just looking so foward to next weekend. it'll be great to get out of town. i've needed it for quiet some time now. no matter what, it's going to be a good weekend. i'm too damn excited to talk about anything else! so i think i'll just go make some dinner.
whoa! talk about slackin... saying "it's been too long since i've written" is an understatement. i have no excuses, i'm just a bad bad blogger. i think i need a spanking.
anyway... what's been going on? well, first of all, and most importantly, the boyfriend is long gone. now that i look back, i feel stupid about how insanely patient i was with him. i thought it would work out of i showed him that i'm not like girls that have dogged him in the past, i'm trustworthy, blah blah blah. BUT none of that seemed to matter. the fact that i got an account on a forum he frequents was the "last straw", apparently. how retarded is that? he thinks this constitutes spying on him. whatever, dude, you need to relax. just checking it out because it interests you and you interested me. besides, the only reason *I* would be worried about someone coming into a forum is because i was saying things i didn't want them to see. so, what does he do? he decides to not call, email or IM me back... at all... for over a month. so yeah, that's a done deal. we won't talk about him anymore because...
started talking to this amazingly cool guy. there's a website called jeepingsingles.net. i got an account there like a year ago, got bored with it & stopped posting. then a couple weeks ago, i got a message from someone from jeepingsingles: a jeeper boy in michigan. so, we've been talking at least some every day since then... some days it's been for hours (when he REALLY should be in bed!   . so far, this dude is too perfect to be real. he grew up on farms (like me), he's got a silly sense of humor (like me), he's super fun to talk to, he's got a cool jeep i just love talking to him. normally i get nervous when someone from online wants to talk to me on the phone (not that i've met a ton of people online... but it has happened) but w/ this guy i wasn't nervous at all.
i think, to protect the innocent, i will give the jeeper boy a code name. let's go with bo (and if he ever reads this i think he just might know why i picked that name). okay, so bo very quickly decided we need to meet. and why not? i'm pretty bitchin'. yeah... so anyway, this makes me a tad nervous, but not nearly as nervous as it has before. there's just something about his guy that puts me at ease or doesn't "scare" me or something. so, we decide he's going to come here in a month. the more we talk, the more i realize that that's too long to wait. then i realize that i have a weekend free sooner! yay! cartwheels in the streets! we're gonna meet sooner! we're going to meet up at about halfway between here & there. i can't freakin' wait! i feel like i'm like 15 again with a silly ass crush. but it sure is fun!
i don't normally like to over-plan things or put too many expectations on events but i must admit there is one thing i'm trying to plan that i want to be really great. i'm sure it will be, there's not much that could totally ruin it (barring a typhoon or swarm of locusts). i think it would be just awesome for us to meet for the first time at this park on lake michigan. how cool would that be? with the lake in the background, in a nice quiet state park... i think it'll kick ass. so that's the only real plan I'VE got for the weekend.
so, i've got that "i've met someone totally cool that i really like talking to & want to spend some time with" excitement going on. it rocks.